Can Black Women and White Women Be True Friends

Real Talk white women were asked if they have real friendships with WOC

Here's what they discovered.

We are a group of seven white women (WW) from all over the continental United States. We self-selected into a group called Real Talk that centers women of color (WOC) with the goal of dismantling the system of white supremacy. As part of our commitment to the group, we were given the task of answering and unpacking the following questions: How many friends of color do you really have? How close are you really? Answering these questions honestly and discussing the dynamics of friendships that cross racial lines yielded some enlightening conversations, and some deeper underlying themes emerged.

Th e seven of us come from varying communities across the country. Some live in large, diverse cities and some live in small towns. The majority of us have met WOC through work or have families of color in our children's schools. Some of us have actively sought out groups and organizations that welcome and center women of color.

Others have just started the work in dismantling our own privilege and supremacy. Most of us discovered that we don't interact with many people of color in our daily lives, and this question helped us to understand how occupying predominantly white spaces has limited any real meaningful and safe friendships with WOC.

Answering the Question

We noticed that after several days of interacting with each other around our discussion topic, none of us had actually answered the question. We seemed to be deflecting and talking around what was asked of us. We began to realize that those of us who did have friends of color worried that saying so was tokenizing and problematic.

Those who didn't have friends of color feared they were losing credibility to work on anti-racism if they addressed it. While working through this as a group, we began to understand that answering this question did neither of those. What it did do was allow for us to have an honest and open conversation about the friendships we have and the spaces we occupy.

In the end, our answers varied from "I don't have any true friends who are women of color" to several of us being friends with numerous WOC. There was also reflection on whether those we would consider friends would truly say the same of us, or if we had counted those relationships as some kind of badge of honor.

Several of us have been in friendships with WOC spanning decades — sharing joys, sorrows, holidays, celebrations, workspaces, hearts, thoughts, and homes with one another. Even in those cases, it has only been in very recent years that we've learned the kinds of violence we have caused our friends of color. Some of these friendships have remarkably survived — others weren't able to overcome the racial disconnect.

The Impact of Race on Friendships

In addition to discussing the question, we also read a piece that Real Talk founder Lecia Michelle wrote called, "Can Black Women and White Women Truly be Friends?" While delving into our own heightened understanding of how race impacts our friendships, as well as the points in Lecia's piece, we all started to see commonalities in the nature of developing or maintaining interracial friendships.

We have all done harm to those we consider friends, whether by being dismissive of their experiences, not listening or talking over them, engaging in microaggressions, or centering our own fragility. These were situations where a WOC allowed us to get close and see their vulnerabilities; we often violated their trust with carelessness.

This highlighted the fact that WW who are actively engaged in unpacking racism can be more dangerous to WOC than overtly racist, bigoted white people. WOC take an enormous risk when becoming friends with us. Any possibility that a person of color could let their guard down with us adds a layer of betrayal to whatever hurt we cause.

Some of these incidents have ended our friendships. Others were excused or forgiven by those we harmed. One thing we all agreed on was that once we began to understand and dismantle our own white supremacy, our relationships with WOC have deepened. That makes the stakes for our friendships even higher.

How White Women Can be Better Friends

After much discussion, we believe that WW and WOC can forge real friendships but only if we engage thoughtfully and intentionally. Specifically, the following steps are critical:

● We must be actively engaged in anti-racism work without the expectation of praise or reward. This means keeping in mind that our society has infused us with unconscious biases that might rear their ugly heads at any moment. Our priority must be to keep this at the forefront. We also need to unquestioningly believe our friends' experiences of racism, particularly when they experience it coming from us.

We can't shut down conversations that make us uncomfortable, and we need to listen with an open heart. We need to be on alert for any white fragility or triggers we are experiencing because that is when we are most likely to weaponize our whiteness and cause harm to our friends of color.

● We must educate ourselves about race and racism , without burdening our friends with teaching us. This includes the need to familiarize ourselves with microaggressions and the kinds of experiences of racism POC have so that when we witness them happening, we are able to address the situation in a way that shuts it down rather than exacerbating it. When our friend tells us that they felt uncomfortable walking around a department store with a large handbag, we know why. When our friend tells is that they have no interest in going out to a St. Patrick's Day parade, we don't pressure them.

We know exactly why a street filled with drunk white people is something best avoided. When driving with our friends in the car, we know to drive extra carefully, obeying all traffic laws, resisting any urge to speed or do anything else that might draw the attention of police. When we have questions, we google them before asking our friends to explain.

● We must acknowledge that WOC are taking a big risk by giving us the gift of their friendship. We can't be careless or lazy in our relationships with WOC. The closer we become, the more that WOC share themselves and their experiences with us, the more they are risking painful betrayal. If we truly care about our friends of color and keeping them safe — including from us — we must show it to them through our actions. We cannot become complacent, and we must hold ourselves and others accountable.

● We must actively work to make our spaces safe and welcoming to WOC. This requires that we consciously put ourselves between any racism and our friends of color — especially if it's coming from other friends or family. We need to use our privilege to create and maintain safe environments and to fight back against any racism they may experience when they are with us. We need to think about what kind of white spaces POC are entering when they entrust us with their friendship.

This exercise was beneficial to us all, and generated many "aha" moments. One member stated, "my biggest realization is that as much as I am learning, I am still very afraid of saying the wrong thing. I realized now that that is part of my white perfectionism. This has gotten in the way of me doing the work that I need to do. I need to balance my fear of doing harm with the harm that my inaction causes."

Another member shared that, "learning will always come at the expense of our friends of color. We don't learn if we don't try, and we inevitably mess up when we try. Therefore our growth can only be accomplished by harming WOC."

A third member's takeaway was, "the realization that friendships with POC are not accolades. What matters is that the friendships I do have with WOC are given the nurturing they deserve. If I'm not actively engaging in fighting white supremacy within my relationships, they're not friendships at all. And I'm not earning imaginary points by being able to say I have more friends of color."

These realizations and discussions have deepened our awareness of the complexities and challenges WOC face when they decide to engage WW in friendship. Our hope is that by acknowledging our place in this struggle, and by being cognizant of the harm we can cause, we as WW can work to be good friends and better allies.

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Can Black Women and White Women Be True Friends

Source: https://medium.com/@realtalkwocandallies/real-talk-white-women-were-asked-if-they-have-real-friendships-with-woc-a8b7cb77c91f